Due to my current workload I haven’t finished this article but here is the start. Feel free to send me comments on improvements!

Chinese Water Torture per Wikipedia « is a mentally painful process in which cold water is slowly dripped onto the scalp, forehead or face for a prolonged period of time. The process causes fear and mental deterioration on the subject. The pattern of the drops is often irregular, and the cold sensation is jarring, which causes anxiety as a person tries to anticipate the next drip. »

It’s a bit like when you are on a 4+ hour ride and the bike (hopefully the bike and not your body) creaks, inconsistently or consistently. Perhaps the noise only happens in certain conditions, in certain gears, comes and goes but when it does come it dives you nuts. I have had one of these noises on the SurLeRivet since one of the last Malaysia trips and it has been a nightmare to fix. Since I went through such a painful process to finally fix it (am I tempting fate here?) I thought I’d write up a guide to troubleshooting such issues. One of the hardest aspects is the fact that telling where the sound comes from is not as easy as it sounds. I have read many an article now were folks were convinced the issue was at the back of the bike to then find the issue at the front!! Let’s not bother with the “majors” here, if your chain comes off and you are worried about what’s making that weird sound there is no hope for you. Here is my rough guide to zen and finding the source of unwanted noises (on the bike, those noises at work or home I cannot help you with).

Some of this will be obvious, but just in case. Check everything is nice and tight. Look at all the bolts, all points in tension and check they are done up properly, where necessary to the recommended torque. Likely you have tried riding in and out of the saddle to see it that eliminates it. If it seems to only occur when in the saddle then remove the set post from the frame and use some multipurpose grease (or carbon paste if a carbon post). Lube any points on the saddle that might be creaking – I had a beautiful Brooks Swallow that always seemed to start creaking when summer hit properly and temperatures rose. Creaks typically come from friction points so look where things might rub and put some light oil there on the saddle and wipe off excess. If that has you sorted, you are lucky! Enjoy…

However if the noise carries on then it’s time to go through all those points that might be “rubbing/grinding” badly. Start at the front of the bike and work your way backwards.

Front wheel. Hold it at 3pm and 9pm and rock perpendicular to the bike front to rear axis. There should be no freeplay (we will use FP for freeplay from now on). On a bike stand (buy one) spin the wheel and make sure it’s smooth and gradually comes to a stop. Disk brake rub is a pain and if this was the noise you should have already recognized that. If it is that then align the caliper to the disk by loosening the caliper bolts to frame/fork and pivoting caliper assembly til no rub. It might help to apply the brake at the point in wheel rotation where the noise is the worst. Openly this is a slightly painful job and takes some iterations. I am also assuming the calipers are nice and clean and hence not causing the pistons to stick rather than retract properly. This is probably why Froome disliked disks so much. When you rocked the wheel, if there was freeplay (remember now FP), then the wheel bearings are likely worn. I am not going in how to replace them here as it takes some specialist tools. Yes you’ll see folks on YouTube hammering them in and out and saying its easy… just ask yourself is it worth it on your nice $XXXX carbons when you can by a cheap eBay press it for $50 now as opposed to the pro kits 3-4 years ago. The pro kits ARE better but they get used a lot more. For the 2 times a year max I use mine the $50 one is great! Make sure your thru axle or quick releases are really tightened up and lubed where there are contact points to frame and forks. Time for a shameless plug – I get nothing for this so you can rely being it on an unbiased opinion. After years to trying many greases I had a go with 3-1 Universal Lithium Grease and WOW! It is the prefect viscosity, viable everywhere, easy to use, stays in place and great value.

You can do all this for the rear wheel too but there is a lot more around the rear wheel and I’ll cover that in a later section…

Now let’s check the head tube and handlebars which is quite an easy process. With the bike on the ground, apply the front brake and rock the bike back and forth with the handlebars. You are looking for FP in the headset and there will be a slight rocking if you have it. Ofter this is simply sorted by undoing the stem clip bolts to the steerer tube (assuming a normal set up!) and then tightening down the top cap/stem bolt. Rotate the handlebars and make sure you have not over done it, which will result in the handlebars feeling tight when you twist them. In that case back off the stem bolt til just free and redo up the stem bolts. Recheck for FP. FP here might not cause noise but worth checking anyway. Again I am assuming there is adequate grease in the head set bearings. If then you rotate the bars there in a “sandy/gritty” feel, or if its not smooth in another way, perhaps the bearings have seen a better day and time to to the local bike shop (LBS) if not confident to do this work (not so hard, go google it).